Meanwhile, the Tooth Fairy Harvests Your Body Parts
Teenage girl #1: Wait, if there's a Mrs. Claus and Santa, then how come he doesn't have any kids?Teenage girl #2: Well, all the children in the world are his kids.
Teenage girl #1: Santa's kind of a pedophile if you think about it. Like, I'll sneak into your house and give you presents if you love me.
Teenage girl #2: Yeah, ew.
--Misquamicit Beach, Rhode Island
And There's No Roof!
Amazed beachgoer, splashing in the waves: Holy shit! There are fish in the ocean!--Seaside Park, New Jersey
A Poo-Poo Poltergeist, If You Will
Girl in bathroom stall: Eww, the pee on this seat is so bad I can't even wipe it up!
Friend: So don't sit on it.
Girl: I know, but I kinda wanted to poop...gotta do the lean, and it's gonna splash. Oh, wait, hmmmm... It's not there after all! It was a ghost poop.
--Rocks Off Concert Cruise, New York
Mom's Backup Plan was to Pretend to Drown
Girl: Am I going to have big boobs?
Flat-chested mom: Um, probably not.
Girl: But boys like big boobs!
Flat-chested mom: Only dumb boys do, because only dumb girls have big boobs.
Girl, after thinking for a minute: Grandma has huge ones.
Flat-chested mom: Oooh, look at the pretty birds!
--Panama City Beach, Florida
...We'll Come Down From the Acid
German: We'll see the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, and Disneyland. Then on the second day...
--Los Angeles, California
Don't Make Me Come Down There and Rescue You
Police helicopter hovering with spotlight on suspect, over loudspeaker: Stop running. You can't get away. Just give yourself up. Stop running... No, don't go in the water. You won't make it across. No, don't-- Yeah, it's fucking cold, isn't it, dumbass? Just get out of the water!American River Parkway
Sacramento, California
But Fantastic That You're Keeping That Cultural Reference Alive
History professor, lecturing on the early 1900s: I mean, the problem of being the only person with a telephone is, well, who you gonna call?Class, as one: Ghostbusters!
History professor: You kids scare me.
CU
Boulder, Colorado
But If Enough Rain Builds Up, You Can Watch Me Walk on Water
Angry traveler: The flight's canceled because of weather?!? Can't you do something?Airline counter man: Ma'am, despite my godlike appearance, I cannot control the weather.
O'Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Probably the Funniest Thing Ever Uttered in a Statistics Class
Indian professor with thick accent: Okay class. If I flip this coin 50 times, what is the probability that I get head?Dude in the back: Man, I could flip a coin 100 times and I'm still not gettin' head.
(class bursts into hysterical laughter)
Indian professor: What? What did I say?
Call Me Back When Your Aneurism Subsides
Girl on phone: Mommy, my nose is pierced, I'm marrying a girl, I'm in love with a gay boy, and I'm pregnant. One of these is false. Goodbye.His Farts Are Delicately Scented With Botanicals
Guy to girl: So you heard about Dave, right? His girlfriend broke up with him last night. He got completely wasted and tried to kill himself by drinking a bottle of shampoo.Girl: Oh my god! Is he okay?
Guy: Yeah, turns out you cant kill yourself by drinking shampoo. We're calling him "bubbles" now. He'll never live this down.
Humorless Girl Was the Most Depressing Of the X-Men
Victoria's Secret salesgirl to couple: Our bras are 15% off today.Male: I prefer it when your bras are 100% off.
Victoria's Secret salesgirl: [With a blank look on her face.] That wouldn't make sense. Then they would be free.
In Every Job That Must Be Done, There Is an Element of Fun
Gay male flight attendant: If you'll be requiring wheelchair assistance when we get to Cleveland, please remain seated. Because, if you stand up, we'll assume you've been healed by the Holy Spirit and no longer need our help.Passengers: (laughter)
Flight attendant: And please keep your seatbelts fastened until we've reached the gate and come to a complete stop.
(man in front row unbuckles his belt)
Flight attendant: Stop it, cheater!
We'd Hate to Hear Him in Bed
Pilot over intercom after rough landing: Whooaa, Nessie! (makes galloping sound) Easy, girl! (makes baaing sound) Whoops, wrong animal.And We Hope Our Passengers in First Class Enjoy the Foxy Boxing
Flight attendant: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard flight 1751 to Raleigh-Durham. My name is John and I am your head flight attendant today. I will be assisted by my lovely fiancee Sarah and my ex-wife Jill. It may be a little awkward but we hope you have a pleasant flight.Just-Kidding-napping Is Still Illegal
Marathon runner: Do you suppose that if I grab that kid and take off running, that his parents would pay more attention to him? But then again, what do I do? Drop him off and say "just kidding"?Repent and Be Born Again Of Pepsi and the Spirit
Mom to cashier: And we'll have a water.Little girl: But I want Pepsi!
Mom: We're getting water Pepsi!
Little girl: Yaaaaay!
Mom, winking at amused cashier: When you have kids of your own, water Pepsi is the greatest invention ever.
